Angeleno Femme

Readers, what is your opinion on this?

Is it…

Relationship —> Fall in love

Or…

Fall in love —> Relationship

Thoughts? (Obviously there is no right answer or hard/fast rule but I’m interested to hear what people think.)

Just when you think dating is complicated, remember:

No, no it’s not. Humans are simple. Humans are basic. It’s a lot easier to figure out than you think.

In fact, I’m having a good laugh re: the above right now.

Y’all have such interesting dating lives. I like hearing about them in my ask inbox.

Xo

Anonymous asked: I've been seeing a guy for about 2 weeks. I found out he thinks that women are below men in society/is completely against gender quality 'cos "women are always the fuckups in history!" I never saw any sexist tendencies in him, and he actually has a lot of female friends, so this took me by surprise, and I was offended. I disagreed, and he didn't seem upset by it, nor did he try to argue with me about it, but it's been really bugging me. Is it really that big of a deal, or am I just overreacting?

Was he joking? I hang with a lot of guy friends and when I’m dating a guy, I can always handle the whole “Why aren’t you in the kitchen making me a sandwich?” shtick. It doesn’t bother me, because I know that the men I associate with aren’t women-hating dudes, and I also am a really strong minded female that is, for lack of better words, not to be fucked with. I actually dated a guy for awhile that I really cared about who loved to make sexist jokes. I don’t take myself too seriously, so I always rolled with the punches mostly because I can take it, but I can also dish out to a guy pretty hard. He knew that, I knew that, and I let the jokes slide with a sarcastic comeback and a wink because at the end of the day, I knew we were equals. Anyways, good for you for standing up for yourself and disagreeing, since it sounds like this situation is different.

But, I am a firm believer in the notion that red flags emerge early when dating someone — like during the first date, first week or first month. If this is something that he stated with a serious tone that you think he believes, that’s a big time red flag and he’s not someone you want to be dating. If he’s saying shit like he’s completely against gender equality and standing by his words, yeah, he sounds like a misogynist and is probably best to be avoided. Also, having a lot of female friends doesn’t mean he isn’t in some ways misogynistic or a supporter of gender inequality — friendships have loose boundaries and aren’t as serious or emotionally thick. You really learn what type of person someone is once you’re dating them. That tends to be when their “issues” come out, if they have any (in my opinion). If a dude is saying he thinks women are below men in society, you can bet that relationship isn’t going to be all flowers and puppy dogs once you’re really in it. That’s not a “normal” mindset with most guys, especially in today’s younger, more liberal generation.

Anyways, since you’ve only been seeing him for 2 weeks, it’s a pretty painless separation compared to breaking things off after a few months, much less a few years (should you decide to do so).

Since I don’t know the dude or your dating situation, you just have to go with your gut on this one. I can’t judge if you’re overreacting or justified, since I can’t sense if he made a passing joke to ruffle feathers or said this to you in a serious conversation with sincerity. If he’s making you feel wary on this topic, I’d jump ship. There are plenty of awesome guys out there who want to treat you like a frickin’ queen, not someone who is subservient or unequal. Healthy relationships are built on equality. If you do end things with him, just throw that into the pile of “avoid in the future!” And as I always say, GO WITH YOUR GUT.

Let me know how things go!

Xo

For All Ma Single Ladiez

Sup wassup reader-world. I know I said I wasn’t going to do some ubiquitous blog prosey post on Valentine’s Day, but I thought I’d repost my list of “Benefits Of Being Single In Your Twenties.” This list is a nice kick in the ass if you find yourself moping about your lack of boyfriend/girlfriend on this Hallmark-fueled holiday. As I’ve always said, you should value being alone and single because there will most likely come a point in time where you will neeeever be alone (with husband, kids, grandkids, etc.) and you will long for the time when you could indulge in every one of the following benefits (oh, and I added some new ones, too!):

• Sleeping in the middle of your bed, starfish position.
• Treating flirting like a sport.
• Ability to travel without being romantically tied down to any location — seriously, just pack your bags, go somewhere, and enjoy it with every fiber of your being.
• No guilt associated with an “oops” make out session
• Save loads of money during holidays!!!
• Don’t want to shave your legs for a month? No problemo.
• Open season at any bar/club/party.
• No shame in being attracted to more than one person at a time.
• Always have control over the remote, always have control over the radio.
• No hawking over your Facebook, worried about something “inappropriate” surfacing.
• Questioned by no one, answer to no one except yourself (and God, if you’re into that sort of thing).
• Can start a new routine like going to the gym or taking up a hobby whenever and actually have time for it.
• Spontaneity!!!
• Lipstick — any color, anytime, DGAF.
• Stories from awkward/funny dates — the best!
• Learning more about yourself and what you want from a relationship — extremely important.
• More time to focus on friends and family, which is a beautiful thing.
• Seat never left up in the bathroom.
• Can operate by rule of “yes” in virtually any circumstance.
• No “mental clutter,” as I call it, obscuring your important thoughts about goals and such — for example, while in the shower and letting your mind wander, you can think about all of your priorities, dreams and progress instead of “Fuck, should I call him?” or “Ugh, we got in a fight again.”
• Girls night, any night of the week!
• The lovely feeling of “what if?” and rampant potentiality.
• You control your life and your emotions — not someone else.
• Learning to trust yourself, love yourself, and like spending time with yourself which sets amazing, healthy foundation for when you are ready to enter a relationship.
• Enjoying the freedom of some of the most exhilarating, exciting years of your life. Seriously. It’s phenomenal once you embrace it.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of the single folk out there — you’re young, you’re free, have fun :)

hurricanenika asked: He left me because I wasn't able to compromise my abstinence for him. He spent five months making me feel guilty, crying even, to try and get me to sleep with him. I wasn't emotionally ready, and I told him that; a week later he left me for his ex (who puts out notoriously). It's been three months. This isn't the first time a guy left me because of this. I'm scared to date because I feel they only want my body, but I also feel I won't be able to find a guy who can put up with abstinence.

First, a general thought bred from having lots of guy friends: The guy you’re dating almost 100% of the time wants to sleep with you — if he doesn’t, I’m shocked. In fact, one of the reasons why he asked you out is that, somewhere in his head, he wanted to sleep with you. That’s rarely the only reason, but it’s on the list.

This is something some girls don’t always want to accept. That doesn’t mean that’s all a guy will want (personality, intelligence, humor all play a part), but wanting to sleep with a girl is usually the first manifestation of attraction. Women don’t always share this mentality which is why things get misunderstood, or people get offended. It’s kind of like not speaking the same language.

With this in mind, every guy that wants to date you will “want” your body — that’s one of the reasons why he’s dating you…he’s physically attracted to you. Thus, dating within this framework does make it difficult to meet someone who is “perky” about the notion of abstinence because, fact is, if he’s sexually active, he’d love to sleep with you. It’s about finding a guy who in his head hears: “Fuck, I am so attracted to this girl and would so sleep with her, but she’s special — she wants to wait. She’s absolutely worth the wait. I can do this for her.”

He’s out there. Plenty of men like this are.

What your ex did was get himself into a situation he most likely knew he wouldn’t be capable of handling. It takes a patient, caring man to put his physical instincts to the side. Some can’t roll with that — they see sex as an integral part of a relationship, and you can’t hate them for that. But if someone is guilting you and trying to manipulate you into sleeping with them, that’s not cool. They aren’t respecting your core value system, and that respect should always be present in a relationship.

So here’s the thing: your dating experience is a unique one, but a powerful one, because the guy that does stick around and is willing to not “put up” with your abstinence (I don’t like that phrase) but ACCEPT and EMBRACE it will be a true keeper. That’s a fucking substantial connection, and one you will find if you want it.

As for your decision to remain abstinent, I really respect that. It’s not easy, and many people end up sleeping with someone when they aren’t ready or for the wrong reasons: to try to “win” someone over, to “give in” to a request, to “get it over with,” to make someone else happy. You are staying true to yourself, your values and your readiness, and I promise you that’s something you won’t regret. Don’t compromise yourself, because if you’re looking for someone who truly “gets” you and fits you, you want them to love the true you, not the compromised you.

You say you feel you “won’t be able to find a guy.” Best advice I could give is to exercise the same patience you hope to find in your future partner. Dating is like trying on clothes: you figure out what you want and don’t want by hanging out with different kinds of people. What you learned is you don’t want someone who is going to guilt you into doing something you aren’t ready to do. Lesson learned. Your ex was just a stepping stone towards the man who will love you and everything you offer. If you’re looking for someone who is patient with your needs, be patient as he finds his way to you. Might have to kiss a few frogs, but you’ll get there. Just stay true to yourself along the way — then you’ll be able to look back on this time with no regrets.

(sorry about the long response, I try to be thorough!)

<3

Dating Lesson:

There’s a difference between a Bad Boy and a Bad Guy.

The primary difference — respect.

(And from what I’ve witnessed, it’s the Bad Boy that will kick the shit out of the Bad Guy for disrespecting a woman.)

Anonymous asked: Do you think long distance is worth it?

I did long distance for three and a half years (the final year on and off) and it is genuinely difficult to love someone yet not directly be a part of their life. I can’t say if something is “worth it” for a relationship because each relationship is very different and subjective.

For me, my long distance relationship felt worth it because there was a finish line — once I finished college, we lived in the same city. Generally speaking, people recommend entering into long distance relationships only if there is a sense of a “finish line,” but again, each case is different. Also, I never felt tempted to date other men because I was so in love with and connected to him. I had no problem “waiting” for him during each stint in New York. But, it’s difficult, and the relationship was filled with turbulence, both due to the distance and due to issues that flared up irrespective of our location.

If you’re going to go for it, there has to be trust, transparency, and a plan. We made time for phone dates, even coordinated seeing movies at the same time (sounds corny, but it was nice — when the movie was over, we could immediately talk about it!). We skyped a lot, and always had a trip coming up. There was always something to “look forward to” with each other. One difficulty, though, can be mistaking connection with the “honeymoon” feel of a long distance relationship in the sense that whenever you see each other for a few days or weeks at a time, you are so wrapped up in a passionate return and basically vacationing that you never get to experience what it’s like to really live together and lead normal lives with one another in the same city. It’s important to face that potential mindfuck and decipher if you’re in love with this person or with the thrill of the return.

Long distance relationships aren’t for the faint of heart but, if you feel the person is worth the challenge, wait and longing, go with your gut (and make sure they are on the same page as you). While I at times wish I could have experienced college as a single gal, I don’t regret my long distance relationship at all because I was deeply in love and valued my then-boyfriend. But it’s not for everyone.

Hope that helped a little. <3